So even when people say stuff to me like “You guys DO know how to stop this, don’t you?!” ("THIS" being GETTING PREGNANT) (I mean does that even justify a response?!)SO DESPITE people joking around with me about our growing family, I still feel pretty much no anxiety when it comes to having a 4th child. Really, I’m cool. I’m calm. Collected.
THAT IS, until the other night when I was gripped with FEAR as I was in bed trying to sleep, cause all of a sudden it hit me:
DUDE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING?!
I mean, I am about to bring my 4th HUMAN BEING, a 4th PERSONAGE into this world, a person who is going to grow up with ME as their mother, a person whose childhood is going to be largely based on what I do, a person who is going to make choices, good and bad, and I am going to have to watch it all.
I LOVE my little tiny kids, I love them to death, and so far, parenting has been totally awesome (you know, as a WHOLE.) I have said it before, but THIS is what I am meant to do, THIS is where I feel complete and happy and fulfilled . . . and with Nate at my side? Perfect.
But I laid there so scared as I mulled over what this FUN of having babies really encompasses, what it MEANS. I just have this feeling that I have no idea what being a parent is all about quite yet. Cause my kids are small, which means:
They adore me.
They want to make me happy.
They believe whatever I tell them.
They are happy with themselves.
They are teachable and tender-hearted.
Sad moments are fixed with kisses, and angry moments are fixed with time-outs.
When they are mad at me, I’m forgiven minutes later.
They find joy in simple things like potato bugs and cinnamon toast.
When they get upset, their little worlds are SO easily made right again.
That is the blissful world of beautiful, innocent, for-the-most-part happy children.
How long is this going to last?
How long until we fight until they storm out of the house telling me I don’t understand? How long until they tell me they hate me?
How long until I have little to no control over their lives?
How long until I have to let go and let them make their own choices? How long until I have to sit and watch them make mistakes? HUGE mistakes? And pay the consequences?
Will I be able to trust them enough to live their own lives THEIR way? Will I be able to say I did the best I could in teaching them right and wrong?
Will I be able to say I did my best in raising them to be good, happy individuals?
I MEAN IT JUST FREAKS ME OUT!
I don’t want to know the kind of parental heartache that comes in watching your kids get hurt, or watching them hurt others.
I don’t want to lay awake at night hoping desperately they remember who they are and make right choices.
Will I really be able to handle that part of parenthood?
Don't get me wrong. I am excited to watch my kids learn and grow and see who they become.
But it’s also super scary.
5 comments:
I worry about this stuff ALL the time. I just wonder how long our perfect relationship will last. The first time I am told that he hates me, I will bawl and bawl. I also am super scared to send him out into the real world. The first time someone is mean to him, how can I handle it? AHHHHHH! Right now my biggest delemias are blow outs and colds so I'll take that while I can.
I love your blog. It hits way too close to home.
You are a super Mom so I'm sure you'll be fantastic. You and Nate have three beautiful kids and so far so good!
I'm not very good at giving encouragement.
You could write a book and I would read it.
I think 4 personages couldn't ask for a better Mom:) You can sooooo do this!!
Wow, a very thought provoking post. You probably wrote it because of what you see me and Mom having to deal with from time to time. It is scary being on this end of parenthood. The choices your children make have much larger consequences. You are a great parent and are already doing better than I did. Have faith in yourself and your children. Yes, you WILL go through some tough times but can and will survive and will be taught important lessons you couldn't learn any other way. Enjoy the journey! Love, Dad.
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