Broken hearts & Anniversaries

Happy wedding anniversary to us!  Today Nate and I were talking about "THE TALK" where I totally rejected Nate so I had to pull out my journal and read it.  We laughed and laughed.  I mean could a talk BE any more awkward and painful????  And yet here we are, married for 8 years now. :)  So I'm going to entertain you and share some of our "talk" with you.  Seriously, it's embarrassing.

April 24, 2000.  I was 17. We'd been good friends since I was 14.  He had just taken me to my jr. prom, AS FRIENDS, 

but I knew he'd had a thing for me for awhile.  There had definitely been chemistry there for years, I just was not sure if I liked him enough to risk making things all weird by starting a relationship...   so when he called me from work and started THE TALK I was caught completely off guard and unprepared at what to say.  I didn't want to say I liked him, but I didn't want to say I didn't!!!!  I stammered the whole thing and NOTHING came out right (well when you're breaking someone's heart CAN things really come out right??)  

He started by telling me he liked me a lot and whenever he was with another girl and thinking about taking it a step further I was in the back of his mind and he didn't want to risk losing a chance with me if it existed. He said, “And I wouldn’t risk anything when it comes to you, Erika.”  I asked him what he wanted, and he said what he would like to happen is for us to spend more time together and take our relationship further.  At that, I just could not gather my thoughts at all. I wanted to be honest with him, but I knew it would hurt him, so getting it out was just the most HORRIBLE thing ever.  I kept losing my thoughts and stopping in the middle of sentences and honestly I sounded like an idiot. He kept saying I didn’t, that I could tell him anything good or bad.  Right after I got off the phone with him I wrote everything down that I remembered, so these are just a FEW of the lines that make up actual parts of our conversation BELIEVE ME I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP!!!!!  Also, I took the liberty of including NATE'S THOUGHTS in RED!

 “Nate, I’m unsure of everything. I keep leading you on and dragging you by a leash…” (Oh thank you, just what I wanted, to be seen as your PUPPY.)

“Nate, that doesn't mean what you think… (oh THAT’S good) I drag you along cause I want you to keep liking me, which is unfair to you cause I’m unsure and have to wait for myself to come to a conclusion and I assume you’ll be right there.” (I thought you said it doesn’t mean what I think!!!!!)

“This has been going on since 8th grade, you’d think I’d know how I feel about you for sure by now, but I don’t.” (Wow I feel AWESOME about myself.)

When Nate asked me if I thought of him as a good friend or as a romantic interest, I replied, “Probably more as a friend, cause I don’t think- gosh, I wanna try to hold his hand.” (OUCH!!!!) He goes, “Then I guess your feelings aren’t the same as mine.”

I go, “But Nate, when I think about when I liked you a ton 2 summers ago, I do still like you a lot, but then I don’t know… when I think of being that way with you I’m almost scared cause… I wonder if it’d change things. You’re the best guy friend I’ve ever had and I don’t know how it’d be to go further.” (Ahhh I'm so happy to know I am such great FRIEND material.)

I also said, “Nate, the thing is, as of right now I don’t have romantic interest, but anything can happen! If we spent more time together, I could picture things happening, not now though.” (Oh, well that works perfectly for me because hey, I have nothing better to do than wait around until you quit being so freakin wishy-washy!!!)

He’s all, “So you’re saying I should move on and get over you?” I go, “I guess so.” (COME ON ERIKA do the right thing and make a clean break!!!)

I said, “You’re so perfect to like and you can’t just wait until I like you.” (WOW and the blows just keep coming!) He goes, “I don’t want to have you be forced to like me” I go “I know!” Then I babbled on how I was trying to convince myself I like him that way, but I don’t know. (I’m sooooo sorry finding me attractive is just SO difficult for you!)

He goes, “The hard part is trying not to like you.” (Although this conversation is REALLY helping.) I go, “Want me to kick you? j/k.” (WAY TO ATTEMPT SOME COMIC RELIEF ERIKA???)

He goes, “We’ll still be friends.” I go, “I know but it’s not the same- I’ll always be the girl you’re getting over!” (My, my, that IS a heavy burden to carry, however will you survive??) He goes, “No, it’s okay, Erika.”

Oh then I said, (this just keeps getting worse!!!) “Maybe if you play hard to get I’ll want you more!” (Thanks for giving me advice on how to make it easier for you to like me!!!) DUMB DUMB!! I told you this conversation was PAINFUL AND AWKWARD?! Seriously I cannot believe I would say that! Insenstive things were just flyin out of my mouth left and right!

So Nate goes, “Don’t lead me on.” (YA THINK!) I go “Sorry I don’t mean to.” (I just can’t help myself, I am just so irresistible!) I said, “There are two ways to turn, I’m afraid if I turn one way I’ll wish I turned the other way.” (This honestly was the crux of the matter--- I was so afraid to take the risk and ruin our friendship.)


AND that's how it ended. After that conversation I HATED myself. It went so badly. I was so down and felt physically ill. I just loved Nate to death and felt terrible about hurting him and being so fickle.

WELL IN MY DEFENSE... let me share with you a couple of journal entries a couple weeks later...

 May 14, 2000
"Me and Nate had a second talk, we talked about a ton of stuff. I felt close to him. Well ever since then I’ve thought, yaknow, I change my mind. I’m gonna tell Nate I like him! COME TO FIND OUT- He’s kissed Megan, likes her A LOT and is dating her, FOUR days after the talk!! He sure got over ME quick!  I don’t care though. Right? So I studied for math at his house, we order pizza, havin a grand old time, and he told me all about the kiss.  Cause well I asked him about it.  ME?  JEALOUS?  NO!!  NOT A JEALOUS BONE IN MY BODY!!!!  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!! I had a chance- 2 CHANCES to have Nate! AS SOON as he finds another girl I want him? Why am I LIKE THAT! I’m never getting married."


May 20, 2000
"Am I depressed? No, no, not me. Well. Maybe. ALL RIGHT I AM. FOR DUMB REASONS TOO. So. #1. The whole Nate thing. SO. Come to find out, him and Megan are going steady. WHY DO I CARE! I told him TWICE I didn’t want to go further, I like being friends. So. WHY is it as SOON as he gets himself a girlfriend, I WANT HIM?? It doesn’t make sense! Do I really want him or is this some psychological jealousy pathetic 'but he wanted me for 4 years?' thing. Okay 3 and a half. Really. Still. How can he like, throw that all away and find another girl in a WEEK! BECAUSE, ERIKA, YOU TOLD HIM TO! PRACTICALLY! I drive myself crazy. I do. He drives me crazy. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore."


June 27, 2000
"Sometimes I wonder if I really have always liked Nate this whole time.  I keep telling myself—BUT ERIKA—YOU REJECTED HIM TWICE! But it’s NATE. I think I figured something out. The reason I can’t decipher my feelings for him is cause well #1 I can’t figure out my feelings for ANYONE, solidly, afraid that I don’t really feel that way and #2 HE’S the one that always makes me crawl back to him. He has this way of dragging ME on a string! Sure I can tell him I don’t like him, but then who always goes to Bowman's to see if he’s there? Who gets exhilarated when she finds out he calls? Who loves talking to him? I DO. I always want to see him. I love hanging out with him. He has a way of making me attached. HE KNOWS HOW TO GET TO ME! Okay, not like I’m gonna go confess my undying love for him or anything, but I think this whole Nate saga is not over."

FAR from over... :)


So that summer he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend and we kept hanging out like the bestest friends ever and I realized- Um I love being with Nate way more than I liked being with my boyfriend… I knew I made a huge mistake. Especially when I began fantasizing kissing Nate.  I even made a GOAL that if worse came to worse I would just walk up and kiss Nate one day.

WELL THAT didn't happen (that woulda made the story better I know!!!!) but at the end of the summer when we were both unattached again we confessed our feelings for each other... this time I was CERTAIN what I wanted. :)  The threat of losing him to another girl was pretty powerful!!!!!!  Genius, Nate, genius… ha ha.  I am so glad he gave me another chance!!!!  We had 2 great years apart while he was on his mission, I mean I missed him like crazy, but we both grew so much.

And then:

And now:

So for our anniversary, we saw "Captain America" (STUPID CLIFFHANGER ENDING!!!!) and went out to eat. 

The next day we went to LAGOON!!!!!!!  It had been FOREVER since I'd ridden the adult rides so we had a ball!!!!!

We didn't know this was in fish eye view, LOL.

Yes it was all fun and dandy... until we went on the flying aces.

Afterwards poor Nate was SO SICK!!!  This happened at the 4th of July carnival and I made fun of him...  so I really tried to be nice this time but seeing him all queasy and clammy after the ride and then it was the "Spider" that really broke him...

I couldn't help but make one or two old man jokes.  He's pretty disappointed he can't tolerate spinning rides anymore.  He apologized to me for only being able to withstand Sky Ride after that (barely!!!!)  I told him, that's okay I forgive you!!!!  After all he did forgive me for breaking his heart... yeah, I'll go easy on him. :)  Love you Nate!!