Why yes they are all mine, thank you!

I learned a little lesson the other day.

We were headed to the doctor on Friday, the big appointment where he was gonna look for the gender! Nate wanted to come and I thought about not taking the kids but that would mean I’d have to find a babysitter and besides I thought it might be kinda fun to have the whole family there finding out together!

Well as we were unloading everyone from the car I happened to mention to Nate that I was worried about who was going to be in the waiting room observing us.  I was sorta worried other people might think, like, SHEESH she cannot be here because she is pregnant again, REALLY??  I also admit that I MADE SURE to have them all dressed in cute clothes with their hair done so I would look like a completely put together mom who has it alllllll under control, not a haggard woman on welfare with wild orphan looking children there to be educated on birth control or something.  C'mon it's no secret people with lots of kids are often times judged.

So after relating this offhand thought to Nate in the parking lot, he looks a little bewildered and tells me, “Really?  You're worried about the people in the waiting room?  Erika, that is just stupid! Who cares? You’re acting embarrassed or something about our little family and I LOVE our family, I am proud of our family!”

Oh, wow. Immediately I felt terrible for thinking like that, for ever thinking like that. He was totally right… am I ashamed of my family? Of my Jenna, my Carter, my Logan, my Kaitlyn? Of being pregnant with another awesome spirit from heaven? No!!!  Of course not!!! Every night when I offer a tired prayer to my Father in Heaven the first thing I thank him for are those 4 kiddos & I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I think of how incredibly special they are. I say to myself, I am so lucky. I thank Him that not only do I get to be a mom, but their mom. UGH and yet I got caught up in what people think, again!!!

Having Carter 13 months after Jenna was definitely not intentional. But it turned out perfect, not a big deal at all, and in fact, set the ball rolling in having all our kids close. And maybe “technically” only every other baby has been “planned,” but honestly that is really just not true. All of our kids were planned, from the very beginning. If you asked Nate and I when we were engaged how many kids we wanted, guess what we would have said? At least 4 or 5. So you see? Every single one of my babies has been planned. :) 

So as I walked into the doctor’s office that Friday I made a decision. I know I am going to get bigger and bigger and I know I will find myself out in public, obviously pregnant, with 4 little kids, and I know I will probably get comments. I know because I got comments when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn (is it really so remarkable, really???) SO when I get those comments, I will NOT act sheepish. I will NOT try to rationalize. I will NOT act apologetic, like I am guilty of something. I DO often care too much what people think of me. Too many times I have been quick to say, “Yes they are all close, but it wasn’t planned this way, I am not crazy, ha ha!!” Not that there is anything wrong with saying that, but I know how I feel and like Nate said, we are so happy and proud of our family, and I am gonna SHOW it!  Not to say that I can't laugh at myself or stand back and think HOLY COW look at all those kids! I know more than anyone it’s kinda comical! BUT I own my choices and I embrace it! SO no more stressing over how people view my life, it is my life not theirs, and I have no regrets, not even a little.  And when people ask me if all those kids are mine I am gonna say, “HECK YA! Aren’t I lucky?!!!!” And I am!!! And when people mention how close they are in age I will say, “I know!!! And they are the greatest friends!!!”  And they are!

So back to the waiting room.  As the kids ran back and forth in the waiting room as we waited for AN HOUR!!! (it is never that long, of course it is when we bring all the kids, right!) I found myself getting anxious, but I kept thinking, it is okay. LET GO. I can’t control what people think but I can control how I think.  It was a long wait, especially cause we forgot the diaper bag! but we made it.

They were good as gold in the ultrasound room, so long as Kaitlyn was sitting right by me on the table, and we all watched that ultrasound monitor quietly, waiting. The doctor looked and looked, the baby was moving around so much he had trouble seeing anything. And then the winning shot! Girl! Jenna BEAMED and Carter’s face fell… just for a minute. I love finding out the gender. With that word, the baby suddenly becomes a person, and names start coming to my head, and calling it a “she” not an “it” makes it so real. The doctor gave us a couple pictures and patted each of the kids on the head and told them good-bye and thanks for coming and on my way out he told me I had such a cute family.

And I do.